Crippling, sickening, shame-inducing: this is what my anxiety is like. Draining, fearful, enraging, all-encompassing: this is what my depression is like.
I have struggled with depression since middle school, and it always comes back to the thought, “Am I performing the way every single person who meets me expects me to perform?” To say that I was a people pleaser is an understatement. I would conform and change to each group I melted into. I took on every personality, sorrow, concern, inspiration, suggestion of and for each person around me.
In my perfectionist colored glasses all I could understand is that I needed to be and do it all. This emotional tumor inside of me grew with each inkling, or assumption, that I was not living up to expectation. This tumor has grown into a metastasized monster that has taken over my core and refuses to be knocked off the throne of my mind. This is how I visualize it- I see this little girl in a tiny dungeon located in a high tower, just cowering in the corner. She is waiting to build up the courage to knock it off the moment her body internalizes enough sunshine to attempt to rescue.
There has been this battle for control from then until the present, and I refuse to let it overtake my life any longer. Teenage depression, to depression in my young adult years, and with postpartum depression, I have spent way to0 much energy fighting this mass. I am slaying the monster, taking back my mind, and doing it one day at a time. I think the biggest realization I have had in year 29 of my life is that I do not have to slay the cancer all at once to eradicate it.
All I have to do is cut it out little by little, until all of the tiny tumors that made up the mass are gone. I am in remission, and I am celebrating that each day I do not feel the weight of this disease.
Thank you for following my journey. I am weaning off my antidepressant medication currently, and will keep you updated on Instagram @aristacron and on Facebook @AristaCron-LifestyleBlogger.
Do you or have you experienced depression? How would you describe it? Let’s encourage and share in the comments below.