Who Am I Without Depression?

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

I am gearing up to slowly wean myself off my antidepressant medication. I am doing this supervised and well planned (I will write a separate post about this). But as I gear up to take the plunge, a thought struck me.

Who am I without depression and anxiety?

If I can actually defeat this living, breathing monster inside me, who will I be when it is gone?

It may seem like a silly question, but hear me out. I have lived with anxiety and depression for the majority of my life. I can vividly remember my first panic attack, and I can clearly remember the first time I thought my life wasn’t worth living. So all that to say, depression and anxiety have grown with me and hit every milestone I have. Have there been more lucid times? Yes, but depression/anxiety were always in the back of my mind, ready to jump out when that gateway once again ripped itself open.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be well, and not just well but whole! I guess I am just afraid of who I will find myself to be after the medication is gone, and I have my diet under control. I just can’t help but think, have I even grown and developed without these limitations?

All I know to do is repeat to myself the absolute truths I do know.

I know that I am loved.

I know that I am valued.

I know that I have and will make a difference in others’ lives and the world around me.

I know that I was born for a purpose.

Do you feel this way? Afraid to move forward because of what you will find? It’s so interesting that my word for this year is “transform/transformation”, God’s definitely up to something! I am so thankful that you are along with me on this journey, because I also know I am not alone, and neither are you.

How can I support you in your transformation this year? Do you need extra support in your depression/anxiety journey? Email me at aristacron@gmail.com or comment below. And remember, all of those things “I know” above, are completely true for you too.

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3 Comments

  • Erin this is a beautifully honest post. I think fear of the unknown keeps many of us hostage. The unknown as you referred to “ who will I be”?
    You will always be the person you know and that we know because that’s your core being. The problem is… THE MIND! The mind keep us in a vice and we go over and over again and before we know it… years have passed.
    I always advise going to a Dr and being medically treated or diagnosed . They may say yes or they may say no to a mental illness. Once you do that then you know where to start. Many many times it’s a mind battle rather then a mental illness.
    I love your transparency because it’s HEALING to you and to others like me ❤️

  • I have been and still am on this journey. I am no longer on my medication and haven’t been for a year, but it creeps back and I debate during the bad times to get back on it. I have realized I know more people with anxiety than without. It seems like it’s just normal for this society. We can talk more in person, but I am here for you and I am so thankful for the individuals that were there for me during the worst times. I’m not sure how long you have been on your medication, but there is no problem with continuing to take it if you feel you need it.

    • Deb, thank you for sharing a little about your own journey. I will release a post about why I decided to stop the medication soon. Thank you for the support and I will definitely reach out to you in times of need or questions. Much love to you <3

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